I try my best not to let it affect me, but it does no help at all when the people around me keeps on reminding me of the fact (which I am already aware of) that I’ve GAINED weight. In short, opo, oo, alam ko, TUMABA AKO. (Caps lock yan para intense!!)

From my recent trip to the Philippines, I’ve come to a point where I could no longer hide my irritation when people would comment that. Opo, minsan, nakakapikon narin. I’ve already expected and mentally prepared myself cause hahah it’s too obvious but sometimes, I found it a bit offensive and upsetting, especially, when instead of even saying “Hi” or “How are you” they would rather comment about my fats instead of my general well-being. (Naks!) Hello? I’ve been gone for almost two years, and the first thing that you would tell me is how much I’ve grown wider? Thanks, but no thanks. Hashtag pikon, asar talo, hormonal and jetlag.

I know part of this is my fault. I let myself have fun in the kitchen and buffet table. Which is part of the reason why instead of going beast mode, I just accept it cause hey, totoo nga naman (truth really hurts, I guess) then I will just make fun of myself instead. But what other don’t understand is there are some medical and personal issues that led me to this.

 This was my last decent picture and I think is my normal body frame before I was hospitalized (which was I think 5 days after this picture was taken) due to exacerbation of my asthma where they pumped me with steriods and inhalers (with steriods that I had to take everyday for a year then as needed) which basically kept me alive. I initially thought it wouldn’t have that “puffed and buffed” effect on me but after 3 months or so, I started to notice the sudden change. I was growing, horizontally. I kept on saying I will bounc back to my old self like how I would normally do but just became impossible with led me to major frustrations and decreasing self confidence.

And with this change, plus other personal reasons (i.e family problems,deaths, relationship struggles and love/breaking up problems) I’ve become depressed and the only outlet that I found at that time was -FOOD. It was just all too much for me that I kept on eating and then when someone notices, it would add up to my depressed thoughts and then I’d eat again. It became an endless cycle and I despised myself for that but it was the only coping strategy that was working for me. I wasn’t used to opening up so my mouth opened up to food instead. Lamon pa girl, lamon lang.

From the confident me, to zero. I lost all of my self-confidence just because I was concerned of how people looked at me and just because I gained 10kilograms? I used to take selfies and have my own photoshoots all the time (hashtag frustrated model) because I was happy and confident in my body but in a blink of an eye, it all went away! Hiyang-hiya ako sa katawan ko. I tried to conceal it the best way I can, try to hide from people. I used to be really hyper and always up and about and now I just felt, heavy. It was such a sad feeling, being unable to do what I used to, especially dancing which was my first love. What I couldn’t believe was how I was defined just by my body image and how it took its toll on me that easy- then I was more depressed, again and like I said, it was a cycle. This has to stop. It has to end.

With my 4 years of weight struggle, I am finally opening my eyes to the fact that I need to choose my health and feeling good inside over my former superficial idea of looking. I admire the success stories of people and their journey to losing weight and a healthier life but, I commend people who learned to accept who and how they are and not be defined just by how they look and be pressured by how the society defines “sexy and healthy”. Bet ko yung ganyang confidence mga teh! As for me, I am planning to start my journey to a HEALTHIER body and slowly gain back the confidence I lost along the way.